Sleepless night...

I lay here awake, trying to go to sleep, knowing I am going to be tired in the morning, but not able to settle my mind...my emotions...  I am just staring at my sweet boy, asleep next to me, so peaceful. And I am overflowing with thoughts and emotions. The love I have for him literally consumes me and takes my breath away. I am a disaster thinking about this next week and am so ready for it to just e here because when you have no choice but to hit it head on and go through the motions it is so much easier to do. It is now that is the hard part. Knowing what is coming, knowing that once again our world is going to be turned upside down. You would think the sixth time going into this would be easier, but I think it only gets harder. There are no words to describe handing over your newborn born baby to have their first open heart surgery, you already more love for them than you could ever imagine, I find it ironic to say that it was easier then. The older he gets, the bigger the toll it takes on all of us. He is absolutely amazing about the whole thing, he is willing and ready to take on all the twists and turns that usually comes with surgery. He is awesome in the hospital and always goes right back to our normal hospital routine filling his days with roaming the halls in the stroller and flirting with all of the nurses. And I know that once we are in it I will be fine too. I keep trying I remember if I am always this much of a wreck before we go in, and I probably am, it must just fade like the rest of it. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine and go smoothly and in a couple of weeks I will once again be laying in this bed watching him sleep, but the reality of it is that there is a possibility that won't happen. This is actually probably going to be one of the least complicated surgeries he has had, we aren't changing blood flow or anything we are only replacing a valve which should make things that much better. But I have known several families that went in for a simple procedure or even just get sick and they are laying in their beds tonight without there little one. It is not something I dwell on, I feel confident Sam will be fine, but in our world, it is a possibility. I often think of the families that have lost their sweet babies and wonder how they do it, how do they get though the day, how do they ever get out of bed again...I literally just keep praying that I don't have to figure those answers out and I pray for those families and that God will give them the strength to face each day. Even if everything goes perfectly, I struggle that he has to do this again at all, and knowing it probably won't be the last time either. How do you take a happy and seemingly healthly two year old and put them through their sixth open heart surgery, how can I not feel guilty about this? I wonder if he understands that this is something that has I be done to save his life? And really that is all it boils down to, no matter what emotions I am feeling, no matter how much I hate it, the reality is that it has to be done. So, I am sure as the week goes by and we make our final preparations to go, I will get myself in check and ready to face what is ahead of us. I can say with everything that I am that only God's grace has gotten us where we are today, and I know that He will guide my every step as we head into this journey. Please pray for us this week, pray for a peace that only God can give, pray for safe travels, pray for our health (I have been a little sick, Sam can't get sick at this point), and pray for us to enjoy these last few days at home with each other, our friends, and our family. I am so grateful for the amazing support system our family has, and I know we would not be where we are today without such wonderful people. We will fly to Boston on Sunday, and I will try to update regularly on this website. Thanks for loving my boy.